Parenting in Fear

My fear is that I am not equipped enough to parent my children as they need me to. What would I do if they get hurt per my decisions? How do I recover or help them recover when they were the victims of my blindness? How do I cope with the guilt when I recognize what just happened?

I was up last night in the middle of my evening routine of having my face in my phone and watching one of my favorite TV show. This is normally the time that allows me to have my much-needed adult time. However, while watching the show, I saw a clip where a mother made a grave mistake that cost her the life of her baby and herself. Now I know that it was scripted, and she and the baby are fine in reality, but it did not help to calm the wave of emotions that flooded over me. While trying to slow the racing of my mind, one huge thought hit me like a ton of bricks! I parent my children from a place of fear.

My children and their happiness mean so much to me, but this movie clip alone showed me that I can also be their biggest hindrance if I am not careful. I am to show them love and guide them, but I feel like I haven’t been doing a very good job. I have subconsciously allowed myself to do barely enough when it comes to building them up because I fear that the world will destroy their hearts and dreams. But how can the world do it, if I am already suffocating them? (Insert a gut punch that just knocked the wind out of myself) If you have read my story, then you know that I didn’t get to experience my childhood as a child. So, I have been trying to let my children know that the world is already a monster and I may have scared them into wishing there really is a never-land!

I made mistakes in the choices of relationships and friendships and learned hard lessons along the way. Unfortunately, I was dragging them with me through those lessons. When I finally started to get grounded again, the guilt of their pain was almost unbearable. I lacked confidence in myself to do allow them to dream because my personal life experiences showed me that the world really is hell on earth. I haven’t allowed my children to truly be free in the world of a child and things that I thought was the best for them, really was me playing a part of crushing them.

I also grew up in a home where it was understood that the parent was NOT their child’s friend, but their mother/father. Well I held tight to that phrase until I realized my children do need a friend in me. Although I am their mother, I also must be approachable and a safe zone for them to come to me with less than pleasant situations. No number of written books can truly teach anybody how to parent their child or children. I also became a mother before I ever healed from my childhood trauma and was teaching from distorted lessons and it is not fair to my children.

The various lessons I have learned up until this moment in my life have been great teaching tools and a big hindrance at the same time. I must trust myself enough to teach my children how to navigate through the world and understand that what I teach are like seeds. No matter how long ago it was planted, it must grow sometime, and my job is to nurture it without overdoing it and killing it. This is a very new perspective for me, but I probably would have never been able to see this without becoming whole with myself. I pray this is also help to any parents who may be too hard on themselves as well. If you became a parent before you were ready, it is okay to make mistakes. Parenting is truly a marathon and unlike sprints, you get to change the way you try and complete it without it being a total loss.

You got this! This journey is not easy, but well worth it and if you need to dig deeper, please contact me!