I'm not okay, but that's okay.

I can’t even describe how much that seems to be a truth I have lived for too long. But I dare not think that I am the only person who has felt this way.

Today I went about with my normal routine which was going to watch my boys’ football games and cheering them on like it’s their first and last game. I would have never guessed I would be the protector, provider, disciplinarian, counselor, nurturer and every other role that both a mother and father hold in their children’s life. However, this is my present reality. Both of my boys played their hearts out and while one’s team won, the other one’s team lost horribly. My oldest son seemed to realize his team wasn’t doing very well and he was very unhappy. I had to pull him to the side and speak life into his heart and encourage him to complete the game by giving it his all even if it did not bring a win. After I returned home, I realized I was speaking to myself.

The weight of balancing a family was beginning to hurt my feelings and I tried to put on my smile stand tough in front of my children, but I was breaking down on the inside. I no longer want to balance the roles of the mother and father and I am exhausted. I have also noticed in the moments of being exhausted, I have started to beat myself up mentally; while wishing I had never done this or that and making myself feel worse about something I cannot go in the past to fix. I went ahead and let the tears fall almost where I was sobbing uncontrollably.

You may ask what any of this has to do with my title and I will share the lesson. My son was hurting. In that moment, I could have told him that there is no crying in football or overlooked the fact that he didn’t need a coach or tongue lashing. He needed reassurance that his feelings were valid and help processing through them. And, I was able to give him all that he needed in a minute or two. However, I hardly validate my own feelings and have taught myself to do this for years which has created the “snowball effect” of unresolved pain being masked with a smile.

I am aware that it is okay to reach out for help in moments I am struggling instead of trying to fix hurt with my broken mind. The mind is a muscle just as much as the heart or any other organ. It’s unfair for me to limit myself to my own resources at times when someone else may have exactly what I need. I had an extensive history in abusive relationships and did not fully understand that I was being just as much of a bully to my heart and mind. Going the extra mile for a children, job, or business is great unless I do not do it for myself. I grew up in an area where mental health wasn’t even a topic and when it was, there had to be something dangerously wrong with the person. Mental growth has shown me that I can work through things that trouble my mind without the thoughts of others making me feel like a failure. Truth be told, if I cannot identify issues that are a bit much for me, it means I will be blind to those in my children.

So, in closing, reach out for help even in those moments you feel that nobody will understand, or you will be judged. If you need help with even taking that step, please reach out to me. This is a no judgment zone and I want you to experience the freedom of not having to hide behind a smile when you’re seconds away from completely falling apart. There will always be individuals looking up to you who will need you to help them process an experience, and it’s much easier to do from a place of truth.